Psychiatrist Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.

He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply."Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more...

Jay went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he said, "I`ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there`s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I`m going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week and I`ll cure you."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I`ll think about it."
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
"Why didn`t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many peopleare fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are veryattached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... *physically* attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied." What do you think I am... GAY???"

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of more...

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist' HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am General Yamashita! Hahahahaha' and the psychiatrist said,' What makes you think that you are General Yamashita?' and the man said,' Because God made me General Yamashita! Hahahahaha' Suddenly, his laughter was interrupted by a voice from the outside...'NO I DIDN'T!' After counseling the man and convincing him he was NOT General Yamashita, the short fat man left happy and pleased. Before letting the next patient come in, the psychiatrist picked up the phone and said,' Sir Winston Churchill, this is Lim Bo Seng. I have Yamashita's plans. ..'

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist." My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am sofucking hideous that no one will associate withme, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much betterabout themselves is my area of expertise. I canstart making you feel more confident about yourappearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the otherside of the room and lie face down on my couch."