Push Jokes / Recent Jokes
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm more...
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm more...
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm more...
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down more...
What do you call an unemployed jester?. .. Nobody's fool. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another. Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single." Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push. .. Push. .. Push!"Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager." Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further." Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scornto smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say more...
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to
push. She does and the baby's head pops
out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she
replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men
were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the
baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby
has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were
pretty good so I decided to give them a
try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will
be it. So she does and the legs come out.
"Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard
them black men were pretty good so I
decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps
the baby on the ass, it more...
These signs are not real, but somewhat funny nonetheless.
Sign in a non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
"Push Push Push."
Sign on used car lot:
"Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Sign on fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Sign at a hotel.
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Sign in a science teacher's room:
"If it moves, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics."
Sign in an office:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign in beauty shop window:
"Dye now!"
Sign at a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
Billboard facing the road in more...