Quiet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "Religion?"The first man replies, "Episcopalian." St. Peter looks down his list and says, "go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."To the second man St. Peter asks, "Religion." The second man replies "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."To the third man St. Peter asks. "Religion." The third man replies, "Baptist." St. Peter looks down his list and says. "Go to room 21. But be very quiet as you pass room 8." The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we be quiet when we pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

HER DIARY:

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we gosomewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong -- he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, more...

Santa and Banta go for hunting. Santa has never gone hunting while Banta has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Banta tells Santa to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Banta checks out a deer stand.
After Banta gets about a quarter of a mile away, he hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Santa and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Santa says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks (squirrels) crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn`t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the fancy dress ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny. "Well," mused Pat, "`tis life and there`s a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Johnny. "`Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to more...

Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his work shop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm
on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on
the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express
themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. more...

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper more...