Quiet Jokes / Recent Jokes

fter all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went more...

A man arrived at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asked, "Religion?" The man said, "Methodist." St. Peter looked down his list and said," Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8." Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?" "Catholic." "Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8." A third man arrived at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8." The man said, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?" St. Peter told him, "Well, the Baptists are in Room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

There’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird’s foul mouth is driving him nuts.
One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT! ” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets angry and says, “OK for you, ” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but more...

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made more...

The
CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done
there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For
the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the
right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions to kill her husband. more...

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.
Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.
Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.
Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I’ll get a clear shot at the bear.
Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. more...

There`s a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a
sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is
a quiet, conservative type, and this bird`s foul
mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird
by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more
than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you."
He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and
scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point,
the guy is so mad that he throws,
the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. more...