Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the more...

"Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

"What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House?. .. Pardon me." --Jay Leno

"Outside the courthouse, Libby's lawyer said all he wants to do is clear his client's good name. I don't know, Scooter? Is that a good name?" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former assistant, Scooter Libby, pleaded not guilty to the Yeah, the weird thing is since his name is Scooter, he's being tried in juvenile court." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By more...

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor`s door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn`t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can`t do the paper because you`re not sure if the more...

On the subject of the state of US Education, check out this quote from pop icon Britney Spears --

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."

' 'We're going to give the press a ten minute head start, then that's what we're going to hunt.'' -- Ventura, in a pre-hunting interview with television reporters

' 'Being able to put two rounds into the same hole from 25 meters! That's gun control.'' -- Ventura, during a pre-election radio interview on the crime issue

' 'Did I die?'' -- Governor-elect Jesse Ventura, on the number of roses that were sent to him after his Nov. 3 victory.

' 'Anyway, I've done way more stupid things on alcohol than I have on pot.'' -- Jesse Ventura, in a pre-election discussion on the decriminalization of marijuana

' 'The people in Washington could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping across the Midwestern prairie on the back of a Hippopotamus.'' -- Dan Rather, in a flustered election night report of the Ventura upset.

If figures in history spoke like you and me...

"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."
- Walt more...

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . .
“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead. ” - Miss Piggy
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ” –Sam Levinson
“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. ” - Gracie Allen
“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ” - Erma Bombeck
“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. ” - Joe E. Lewis
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not more...