Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all
the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the
plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which
isn't there. (Charles R. more...
"Normal people. .. believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the --decency to thank her. W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have --given us stomachs. David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. more...
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I've changed my mind.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder-what the f#$k was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody' stupid enough to admit it.
The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't more...
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up more...
** All of the following quotes have been attributed to Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.. . **
'The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.'
'I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.'
'If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate.'
'First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.'
'I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.'
'The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.'
'I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?'
'People have criticized me more...
Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . . " Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- more...