Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
-Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose more...

: Utility companies tend to serve their clientele as regional monopolies. A similar system is used by drug gangs and Mafia families, but with better customer service.

Emphasis is not a substitute for reasoned argument -- Jesse Jackson, please take note.

Hunger is the best sauce -- but a nice curry comes close.

I do not look to rock musicians for moral and spiritual guidance for the same reason that I do not look to clergymen for three chords and a 4/4 beat.

The German government recently announced that, fifty-two years after the end of World War II, it would try to cut off pensions to Nazi war criminals. Boy, it's all in the timing, isn't it?

Dennis Rodman has said that he wants to play his last NBA game completely naked. I just hope he doesn't do much dribbling.

I did on one occasion commit free verse, but it was ruled justifiable and I was acquitted.

There is no right answer when a woman asks you "Do I more...

"I once made love to a female clown. It was weird
because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
---Dan Whitney

' Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.' Gene Hill

' Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.' Dave Barry

' I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.' Penny Ward Moser

' Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.' Groucho Marx.

' To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.' Aldous Huxley

' A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.' Robert Benchley

' Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.' Sue Murphy

' Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?' Unknown

' I more...

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . .

"Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I more...

Everybody loves some bawdy sometime.

Definitions:
Hale-Bop.........Healthy Fuck
Heaven's Gate....Microsoft Mansion

"Man, that little bastard smells.
No wonder they call him Pooh."
-- Christopher Robin

Marauders 101:
Always remember to pillage & rape BEFORE you burn!

A lady is one who never shows her
underwear unintentionally.
-- American writer, Lillian Day (b. 1893)

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
(to some of you twits out there... don't bother
answering this question, IT'S JUST A JOKE!)

1. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

2. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag.

3. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

5. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

6. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

7. If a person with multiple personalitis theatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

8. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

9. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

10. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

11. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

12. So what's the speed of dark?

13. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an more...