Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:' Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!'

' Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.'

' As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses.'

' Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. Last one off the plane must clean it.'

' Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. At Southwest Airlines we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!'

' Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like more...

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for more...

Quotes:

1. Screwing up takes practice. I think I'm well rehearsed

2. Life's a bitch. Deal with it

3. (Actual refrigerator magnet): Genitorturers homogenized my honor student

4. Life is hard compared to what?!

5. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes

6. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

7. He who thinks he can fly ends up with cracked skull

8. He who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers

9. One of the top signs that Y2K hype has gone too far is that millions are converting to Judaism so the year is 5760

10. The Chinese calendar is 2000 years younger than the Jewish calendar. So that means the Jews had to go 2000 years without Chinese food.

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts..."Artichokes... are just plain annoying... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." - Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." - Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." - Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." - Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead." - more...

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? Paul Lynde: He's out of town

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie,' What's The Matter With Helen?' Who plays Helen? Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question

3. What are' dual-purpose cattle' good for that other cattle aren't? Paul Lynde: They give milk. .. and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies

4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him

6. Robert Young recently stated,' I never, never give. ..' something to his fans who ask for it. What? Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy

7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one more...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do' tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't' expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a' wise man' and a' wise more...