Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said,' I'd like some fries.' The more...

QUOTES ARE FROM ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all more...

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair more...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury." - George more...

You'll never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

If there really is a God more...

Yogi Berra Quotes"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical." "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them." "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded." "We made too many wrong mistakes." "You can observe a lot by just watching." "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra Quotes
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. ”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical. ”
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them. ”
“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded. ”
“We made too many wrong mistakes. ”
“You can observe a lot by just watching. ”
“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. ” - Yogi Berra