Quotes Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most more...

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3 Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1 "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Some Politicatl Quotes as collected in "They Said That!" by Larry Engelman


Like we say in Texas, if goofy ideas ever go to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Dick Armey's head.
Clinton advisor Paul Begala, 1998

If Jerry Brown is the answer, it must be a very peculiar question.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen, 1992

This is Jerry Brown. Thanks for calling. And please do everything you can to assist and be an active member in the insurgent campaign to take back America. To speak to a live human being, dial zero.
-- Taped message on the Jerry Brown for President office phone in Santa Monica, Calif., 1992

She's not my type, let's put it that way. She wouldn't pass the test. Yes, the Bono test.
Sonny Bono, on Hillary Clinton, 1995

This year's elections are like a horse race. They end up exactly where they started. And when they're done, manure is everywhere.
Jay Leno, 1994

Many Americans more...

Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war. This war talk's spoiling all the fun at every party. I get so bored I could scream.
-- Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind"

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
-- Jeannette Rankin, first woman member of U.S. House of Representatives

It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it.
-- Robert E. Lee

Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman? Hell no!
-- Hunter S. Thompson, on why he refused to cover the Gulf War

This country's only 200 years old and we've already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country, so we're good at it! And it's a good thing we are; we're not good at anything else anymore... Can't educate our children, can't give health care to our old people -- but we can bomb the [bleep] out of your country.
-- George Carlin

Men, all this stuff you heard more...

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy." Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment." "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4 "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.

- Winston Churchill