Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K. K. K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved. The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke." Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years,
were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies,
trying to prove the other one was wrong.
One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.
The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to
rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and
were amazed they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.
The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way!
This is wonderful."
"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK.
' Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.'"

Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, more...

It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.
He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads;

A synagogue honors its Rabbi for a quarter-century of service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses paid.

The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at all times.

When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation.

The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to know who arranged this little situation, and of course, the girl is compelled to tell him.

The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the synagogue, and gets through to the President of the congregation.

' Where is your respect'? he growls.' How could you do something like this?'

' I must be held in high esteem by each and every member of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very more...

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her
will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she
met with her Rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted,
etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?" The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi. "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously. "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal" "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi. Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but..." So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!" The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of ou r boys made it."