Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

A rabbi went to a hotel.It was the only hotel in the town, and they had only a room available,
but it was kept for a priest, since a week before.
Entering the hotel, the priest hears the rabbi
insisting for a room, approach him and politely
propose him to share the room.There were two beds,
so it was enough space for both.Finely, the rabbi
agrees and they slept in the same room that night.
In the morning the priest say to the rabbi:"You
know, I had a very strange dream last night.I dreamed I was in the jewish heaven.It was
almost dark, the streets were dirty, the people
were very poor dressed and they ate some soup
every day, oh, my god, it was terrible!"
The rabbi say:"That is odd, because last
night I dreamed I was in the christian heaven.
It was wonderful, the sky was so blue, and the grass was green, the birds were singing happy songs, there were rivers of milk'n honey, the trees
were full of tasty fruits, more...

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.' 'Bloomindales!'' the rabbi said.' 'Why Bloomindales?''' 'That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.''

Just see those Dreidels turning
And candles burning all night
Why it's that Chanukah time
We (Jews) call the Festival of Light.
I'm busy buying Chachkes
And frying Latkes for you (and you and you)
Come on, there's lots of bargains
At Saks Fifth Avenue.
Bridge 1
Oy Gevalt, Oy Gevalt, Oy Gevalt, you know,
I'm sick of the snow
I'm dreaming of a warmer place to go.
Gonna shlep, gonna shlep the family
They're comin' with me.
We'll celebrate Chanukah on the beaches of Miami.
With all the colds they're catching
My friends are kvetching, "Oy Vey!"
Let's have our agent book us
And fly our tuchus away.
Bridge 2
There's a shabbas dinner at the house of Rabbi Cohen
It'll be the perfect evening in a kosher home
We'll be noshing on foods we love to eat and maybe take a snooze
Then sit on the couch and eat some more and schmuz
Schmuz, schmuz, schmuz.
Then the rabbi more...

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve, announced to his congregation that he would not renew his contract. He explained that he must move on to a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush; no one wanted him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owned several new car dealerships, stood up and proclaimde, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighed with appreciation and applauded.
Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stood and said, "If the Rabbi stays here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause follow.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 80, stood and announced with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asked her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, more...

A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"The old man replied, "I guess.""Is she a good Jewish woman?""I don't know for sure," the old man answered."Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi."I doubt it.""Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked."She can drive at night," the old man said

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellows absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we dont see you at services anymore?"The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "Ill tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and mustve forgotten about me, and I dont want to remind Him!"