Rachel Jokes

There was a girl named Rachel. She had a cat named Love.
One day, Rachel was taking a shower.
When she got out, she yelled for her cat, Love, but saw that the cat had escaped.
She was still in her towel but she walked outside anyways.
A cop pulled around the corner and said, "Excuse me, Miss. What are you doing out here?"
Rachel replied, "Looking for Love!!!"

Doctor Moshe Rabinowicz and his wife Rachel are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls Rachel and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated Moshe says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what"?
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this more...

As part of the deal with Tiger Woods, Rachel Uchitel will be required to change her surname.

Post-wedding conversation
Rachel was talking to her best friend Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth, Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose two and a half stone!”