Random Jokes / Recent Jokes

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates` vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they`re stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random more...

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription: 1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue. 2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor. 3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants. 4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like. 5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?" 6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?" 7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable. 8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!"9. Sit underneath your chair. 10. Stand on your head. 11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it. 12. Never stop smiling. 13. Scream every word. 14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he more...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. Speak only in a "robot" voice. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Sniffle incessantly. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Name your dog "Dog." Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions more...

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty more...

Random Thoughts: When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions. War decides not who is right, but who is left.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone`s. newsrc file except the entry for alt. sex. fetish. hamster. duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people`s backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet more...

This was a practical joke my cousins came up with for a good laugh.
There just happened to be six of us together with nothing to do. So we got the phone book, picked out a number at random, and the first person dialed.
When the person answered, my cousin asked for a random name - let's say, Harold.
"No Harold here", came the answer.
"Are you sure there's no Harold there?" she insisted.
"Positive."
The stage was set.
About half an hour later, another cousin called the same number and asked for Harold.
Same reply.
Over the course of two hours, three more of us called the same number, asking for the same Harold, while this poor man on the other line had to tell each of us the same thing, and getting more and more frustrated each time. (Of course, since he assumed we were totally unrelated in any way, he wasn't blowing over or anything.)
Finally, I called about an hour later.
"Hi, this is Harold. Did I get any more...