Real Jokes / Recent Jokes

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. The good news is that he will never remember to plug it in, and it will run out of juice eventually. Think of his cordless drill collection equally as important to him as your shoe & purse collection.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Buying him a socket and ratchet set is kind of like you having multiple orgasms every time you see a picture of Leonardo Di Caprio Again.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men more...

Two elderly women, rivals in their social circle, ran into each other at a banquet.
"Are those real pearls?" the first woman asked.
"They are," the second replied.
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," the first said with a smirk.
"Yes, that's true dear," replied the second, "but for that you would need real teeth.

Mouse Balls

Some of the best humor is real-to-life. This story was related to me yesterday by the pastor himself (not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary last week.

Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on' em.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little fury real animals} more...

If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
"What kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there and sell him a boat."

"Mah son's real smart!" crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!" "What's his name?" asked the friend. "Bob."