Realizes Jokes / Recent Jokes
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had more...
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night. After a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. One Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.' Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.' She dashes out of her friend's house; her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time. There is enough time to go to the supermarket and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf, just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
'Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this more...
OPTIMIST, n.
a doctor who advises a mother of five active youngsters "to relax"
a guy who thinks the woman in the phone booth will be out in a moment when he hears her saying "good-bye"
the guy who believes that the "E" on the car's gas gauge means "enough"
the person who is hired to write the text of a company's prospectus
an individual who always proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds (a pessimist fears this is true)
a citizen who votes for a congressman because he promised to lower taxes by eliminating government waste
a person who waits for his ship to come in even if he has never launched one
a person who realizes each morning that someday this will be one of the "good old days"
the woman who really believes that the man she is about to marry is better than the one she just divorced
a philosopher (with the news these days) who realizes that it takes a great deal of more...
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies,
she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's
playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go
fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out
of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket,
and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he
is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for more...
A cop was watching this particular bar known for trouble hoping to catch a drunk driver. he waits a long while before he finally sees a guy comes out. the guy stumbles of the top step and falls flat on his face. he gets up staggers to a car, tries his keys for a while before he realizes it? the wrong car. he staggers over to another car and tries again until he realizes it? the wrong car. this goes on for three more cars before he finally gets the right car, all the while the cop is witnessing this. the cop thinks to himself that he is going to throw the book at this guy. the guy fumbles around for a while with the keys, in the meantime everyone comes out of the bar, gets in their cars and leave.
The guy finally turns his car on, and pulls out of the parking lot where the cop immediately pulls the guy over. the cop pulls the guy out of the, puts the handcuffs on the guy, and reads him his rights. then the cop gives the guy a breathalyzer test, but it reads 0. 00, and the cops more...
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
While walking down the street one day a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to Heaven says St. Peter. Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see so we are not sure what to do with you.
No problem just let me in. says the Republican.
Well I would like to but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.
Really I have made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven says the Republican head of state.
I am sorry but we have our rules. And with that St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down down down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and more...