Recorded Jokes / Recent Jokes
Editor's Note: It's dry parody. You gotta really like sci-fi to enjoy this one...
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Experiment 8 Postflight Summary
NASA publication 14-307-1792
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ABSTRACT
The purpose of this experiment was to prepare for the expected participation in long-term space based research by husband-wife teams once the US space station is in place. To this end, the investigators explored a number of possible approaches to continued marital relations in the zero-G orbital environment provided by the XXXXXX shuttle mission.
Our primary conclusion is that satisfactory marital relations are within the realm of possibility in zero-G, but that many couples would have difficulty getting used to the approaches we found to be most satisfactory.
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INTRODUCTION
The more...
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say more...
In the last year of his service a certain babuji was made head of the cash section. He introduced a new system whereby his prior approval was required in writing before any purchases could be made. It worked so well that he decided to introduce the same system in his home.
One Sunday, his wife sent him a note saying that the children wanted to eat pakoras, hence a sum of Rs. 50 may kindly be sanctioned for purchasing oil, besan, paalak, etc. The husband recorded that oil and besan had become too costly and beyond the reach of a middle class family like theirs; hence the proposal was rejected.
Next Sunday his wife sent another note saying that she wanted to accompany her friends to a movie, hence an amount of Rs. 100 be kindly sanctioned for a cinema ticket and refreshments. The husband recorded that the pay of a government employee is almost finished by the 20th of the month and it being the last Sunday of the month, there was no money left with him. The proposal may be more...
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not more...
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.If you are my friends, you owe me money.If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."Hi. Now you say something.""Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can more...
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers...
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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these more...
A great pianist was driving down a road when he saw a bar with a sign saying "MUSICIAN WANTED". Being the hotshot he was, he walked in and offered to fill the void. So, the bartender told him to give a demo. So, the pianist went over to the piano and began to play.
The song was phenomenal, and the bartender was very impressed. The bartender promptly asked, "What was the name of that song?" The pianist smiled and said "What the hell is that on my dick?" The bartender was taken aback but told the pianist to play another song. This song was even better than the last, and the bartender was Very impressed.
Slightly reluctant he asked, "Was that song's name?" The pianist said, "Them Tits is Fucking Huge!" The bartender was perplexed, but sighed and said, " You can play at my bar but you can't announce the name of your songs." One night the pianist is playing at a bar and he decides to spice it up a bit with performances more...