Relationship Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?" She replies, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!!"

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man more...

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out more...

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Men: start their more...

I am accepting applications for "Long Term Booty Call with sentimental value"

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year old daughter who would be walking the 3 blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.