Remove Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mom's Brownies RecipeRemove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. more...
A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," more...
Once upon a time, I had a maddening passion for baked beans. I loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat odious reaction on me. Then one day I met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent we would marry, I thought to myself, she is such a sweet girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on. So I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. We were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we lived in the country, I called my wife and told her I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way home, I passed a small cafe' and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming, I had several miles to walk so I figured that the effects of the beans would wear off before I got home. So I stopped at the cafe' and had three orders of baked beans.
All the way home I putt-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that I had putted my last putt. My wife seemed somewhat excited to see me more...
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
A cigarette lighter and a small more...
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not
been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and
that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to
walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings,
he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed
and asked him to sit down saying; Myfriend, you have not worked here
for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to
explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i. e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 more...
All the doctor's professionalism went right out the window when he saw the gorgeous woman walk into his office. He instructed her to take off her skirt, which she did, and he began to rub her thighs.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked. "Of course, you're checking for abnormalities," she replied.
He then told her to remove her blouse and bra, which she did, and he began to rub her breasts.
"Have any idea what I'm doing now?" the doctor asked. "Yes, checking for cancer," she replied.
Finally he told her to remove her panties, which she did. He then had her lay on the table, got on top of her and began to have sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Sure do, getting herpes! That's why I'm here," she said.