Repeat Jokes / Recent Jokes
A CHAT WITH YOUR MOM
by Lou & Peter Berryman.
Oh the Pirates in there fetted galleons,
daggers in their skivies
With Infected Tattooed fingers
on a blunderbuss or two (BLUNDERBUSS = musket like gun)
Signs of scurvy in there eyes
and only mermaids on there minds.
Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word
not from you
(CHORUS)
We sit down to have a chat
its F-word this and F-word that
I can't control how you young people
talk to one another
But I don't want to hear you use
that F-word with your mother
And the lumberjack from Kodiak (a city in Alaska)
Vacationing in Ancherage
Enchanged with their Pine-Tar Soup
and Caribou Shampoo
With seven weeks of backpay
in their airomatic woolens
Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word
not from you
(REPEAT CHORUS)
There are Militant Survivalists
with gucci bandoleros
Taking tacky-kacki walkie-talkies
to the more...
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say' good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water more...
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's more...
The MammogramThis is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises: 1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily. 2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily. 3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.