Replace Jokes / Recent Jokes
Start With A Cage Containing Five Apes.
In The Cage, Hang A Banana On A String And Put Stairs Under It. Before Long, An Ape Will Go To The Stairs And Start To Climb Towards The Banana. As Soon As He Touches The Stairs, Spray All Of The Apes With Cold Water.
After A While, Another Ape Makes An Attempt With The Same Result - All The Apes Are Sprayed With Cold Water. This Continues Through Several More Attempts. Pretty Soon, When Another Ape Tries To Climb The Stairs, The Other Apes All Try To Prevent It.
Now, Turn Off The Cold Water. Remove One Ape From The Cage And Replace It With A New One. The New Ape Sees The Banana And Wants To Climb The Stairs. To His Horror, All Of The Other Apes Attack Him. After Another Attempt And Attack, He Knows That If He Tries To Climb The Stairs, He Will Be Assaulted.
Next, Remove Another Of The Original Five Apes And Replace It With A New One. The Newcomer Goes To The Stairs And Is Attacked. The Previous more...
10. Secretly replace the baby's formula with Folger's Crystals.
9. Get a couple of old refrigerator boxes and paint them up to look like a toll booth. Set it up on your favorite street corner and watch the quarters roll in.
8. Make yourself up like you've been in a horrible, mutilating accident, then go to the emergency room of the nearest hospital. When approached by a nurse or doctor, say, "No, thank-you, I'm
just browsing."
7. Call the Microsoft Support Line and insist on speaking directly to Bill Gates. Tell them that MS-DOS was your idea and you demand royalties. Demand Bill's home phone number. Get verbally abusive when they refuse you.
6. Two words: Cherry Bomb.
5. Make two dinner reservations at the finest restaurant you can find, then dress yourself and a goat in tuxedos. When the Management refuses you service, insist that the animal is a
seeing-eye goat. For added effect, feed the goat a few boxes of EX-LAX before you arrive.
4. more...
Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source).
40% - Presents.
6% - Presents with no useful functions.
4% - Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% - Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% - Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% - Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
* -Presents the recipients will really like.
3% - T-shirts with writings on them.
21% - Decorations.
6% - Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year.
1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year.
2% - Christmas tree ornaments.
3% - Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because more...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with more...
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me........ A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me........ On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in more...
Computers will never replace books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me...
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with more...