Rescue Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is drowning in the sea.''Help me, Lord,'' he cries.
Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. ''Climb on board'' yells the skipper.
''No, no, no,'' says the drowning man. ''The Lord will save me.''
''OK, we will be on our way, then,'' replies the captain.
Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. ''I do not need any help,'' cries the breathless man, ''The Lord will come and rescue me.''
Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the man weeps: ''Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why did you not save me?''
God replies:'' You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!''

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first?

A yacht was in distress so a life boat was called out to rescue it. The Coast Guard Captain, attempting to determine the yacht's location, radioed to the owner. "What is your position, I repeat, what is your position?"
The skipper of the yacht replied, "Well sir, I'm Marketing Supervisor of a large computer software company."

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can''t stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn''t you save more...

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the more...

There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.
A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.
A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she lookod beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first, On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.
An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.
The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.
Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.
Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As
he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones
beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You
can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't
judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only
went down yesterday!"