Resolutions Jokes / Recent Jokes

This year, I resolve to...

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

- Spend more time at work, surfing the Internet

- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

- Not have eight children at once.

- Get in a whole NEW rut!

- Start being superstitious.

- Personal goal: bring back disco.

- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

- Buy an' 83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use more...

This year, I resolve to... - Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. - Stop exercising. Waste of time. - Read less. Makes you think. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. - Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. - Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. - Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. - Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. - Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. - Not have eight children at once. - Get in a whole NEW rut! - Start being superstitious. - Personal goal: bring back disco. - Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. - Buy an' 83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. - Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. - Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords. - Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. - Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. - Not eat cloned meat. - Create loose ends. - Get more toys. - Get more...

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

9. Spend more time at work.

10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

14. Start being superstitious.

15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur more...

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'TBE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD 16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! 15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3: 00 in the morning... 4: 30 is much more practical. 14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. 11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate. 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1. 44MB disk. 9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail. 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. 5. No more downloads more...