Rest Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way more...

There was a brother with three girlfriends. He decided it was time to settle down, but was faced with a dilemma. .. which one should he marry? So he decided to give each one $500 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the brother, "I spent the money so I could look as fine as I could for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a cd player, television, and a stereo and gave them to the brother. She said, "I bought these for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $500 and invests it in the stock market. She doubles her investment, returns $500 to the brother and re-invests the rest. She said, " I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The brother thought long and hard about how each of the women handled the more...

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God"."Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the more...

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal
(Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest! For example: As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie nieghborhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more more...

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says,' 'I want my $20 million.'' The man replied,' 'No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.''

The Redneck said,' 'Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.'' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out,' 'Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''

Many people have noticed that Tolkien's novel "The Lord of the
Rings" bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and
Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth.
Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently
unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing
Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College,
Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and
various other luminaries.
Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will
agree is of great historical interest.
C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, it's really good of you to come along and
act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Haven't enjoyed myself so
much since I played in G.K. Chesterton's dungeon and slew Father
Brown.
T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going
to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have
another drink?
Lewis: That more...

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh
today and then you'll get the rest spread
out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want
it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest
during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If
you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right
now, then I want my five rupees back!"