Result Jokes / Recent Jokes
What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?
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WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "uncertainty principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process more...
Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.0 (TM), the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "
TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows more...
Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
Male can't possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are
not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did
not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the
cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he
did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without
the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases more...
Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
Male can't possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to more...
Don't Forget to read the "Fine Print"
PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:
1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a more...
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
CAUTION: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer more...
OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard more...