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Passed on by a friend at work, origin unknown (but probably caused by a quantum fluctuation)
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This more...

EUREKA! The Discovery that political conservatism is determined by the genes opens a window on a brighter tomorrow. (After all, who would actually choose to be Republican?) By Daniel Mendelsohn

The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined, announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal Nurture, threatens to overshadow the announcement by scientists that there might be a gene for homosexuality in men.

Reports of the gene that codes for political conservatism, discovered after a long study of quintuplets in Orange County, Calif., has sent shock waves through the medical, political and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans' unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from unhealthy family life -- a remarkable high percentage of Republicans had authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach more...

Extracted from US news papers:
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A 24-YEAR-old man being chased by a police officer from a Beverly Hills, Calif., house that he was
suspected of burglarizing ran into a tree branch and knocked himself unconscious. In September, in
Akron, Ohio, police said that Christopher S. Dobbins, 28, in the process of robbing Leonardo's Pizza,
slipped on a streak of grease on the floor, which was the result of a dropped pizza earlier in the
evening, and knocked himself out.
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IN ST. LOUIS IN OCTOBER, according to police, Robert Puelo, 32, stole a hot dog from a 7-Eleven and
left the store, cramming it into his mouth as he ran. Minutes later, Puelo choked to death on a
6-inch piece of the hot dog that lodged in his throat.
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In Council Bluffs, Iowa, seven relatives ranging in age from 10 to 71 piled into the family car
intending to commit suicide over more...

Quickly read through the following text and count the number of F's in it.
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
OK?
How many?
Three?
Wrong, there are six - no joke! Read again!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is that the brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal.

1. The female makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.
7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.
9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without more...

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship. 1. The female always makes the rules. 2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong. 7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must under no circumstances let more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...