Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can have sex with me tonight!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
A bus full of senior gamblers was driving down the freeway, returning from two days in Las Vegas. A lady passenger comes forward and complains loudly to the driver that some male creep is crawling along the floor and has had the temerity to fondle her. The driver tells her he'll stop as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
As the driver was searching for a good spot to pull over, another female passenger comes forward, complaining of being fondled, too. To the driver's mind, this constitutes an emergency, so he immediately pulls over onto the shoulder and brings the bus to a screeching halt. He proceeds to go back to find the culprit and spies this little baldheaded guy crawling on all fours along the floor of the bus. He confronts the guy and asks him what he's doing on the floor.
"Well," replies the little fellow, "I lost my toupee a few miles back and I thought I'd found it twice until I realized mine's parted on the side."
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted more...
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said' yes'.
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!' Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny...'
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
' Oh', she said,' I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying' yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.'
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:
"Twice as much husband on half as much pay."