Rise Jokes / Recent Jokes

An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is expected, and evacuation is recommended.
The rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger."
The policeman shrugs his shoulders and leaves.
As the rabbi is watching the rising water getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this time a State Trooper.
The trooper says, "Rabbi, we are evacuating the area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy."
Again the rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger. I am staying."
Well, the water continues to rise, until the rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor.
He hears some yelling and looks up to see two firemen in a rowboat right outside his second floor window. "Rabbi!" one of the more...

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"Reluctantly, the helicopter left.The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two more...

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, more...

You know how when your driving somewere down south and you see all those bumber stickers that say"
The south shall rise again"
?
Well the south has no were to go but up!

BANANA BREAD RECIPE
-------------------
Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
1 Large Banana
Method:
1) Look into laughing eyes.
2) Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing
bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
4) Add firm banana, gently work in and out until it is well creamed.
5) As heat starts to rise, plunge firm banana deep into fur lined bowl,
cover with nuts, sigh with relief and soak for 10 minutes.
6) Bread is well done when banana becomes soft.
NB:
Be sure to wash mixing utensils.
Do not lick mixing bowl.
If bread starts to rise, leave TOWN.

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind.
Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground.
He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning "I need you."
The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely.... he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off.
Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, "What the hell are you doing?
"I got your message," replied the foreman. "I just wanted to let you know that I was coming."

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.