Rises Jokes

How To Make Love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. if banana does not soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, Uh Oh

One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite.
At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life.
It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth - in vain.
It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"
It happens that he's the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's more...

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water more...

There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tell Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says, "No, that's OK. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs on his roof. At this time, another boat comes along and the person in the boat tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's OK. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her, "That's OK." The woman says, "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I am sure God will take care of me." Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to more...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
"Chicken Surprise"...
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order" ??
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise""Ah...so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"