Rodney Jokes / Recent Jokes

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERSI was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.A girl phoned me the other day and said...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"He said, "Because you came home early."Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as more...

The Rodney files:
My daughter's like Federal Express. When she meets a guy she just absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I more...

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, "My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook".
"Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about you, Jimmy?'"
Jimmy stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no... L-E-C-K-... no..."
The teacher interrupts, "Never mind Jimmy, sit down, how about you Johnny?"
Johnny stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Jimmy's ever gonna spell electrician!"

Here is a long collection of Rodney Dangerfield's jokes, as a tribute to the great comedian who recently passed away at age 82.


Good crowd.. good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.

Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was born.. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.. but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could more...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender.
"What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total more...