Rub Jokes

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical more...

A couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit''s. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I''ll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don''t piss off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin'' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my more...

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water, If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle."

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag.
The bartenders curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, more...

A dating Amish couple Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's
mid January and very cold. Elizabeth says to Eli,
"My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says,
"Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks,
"Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers,
"That's my penis, it's frozen solid.. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother,
"Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts,
"I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies,
"I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"