Rules Jokes / Recent Jokes

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station...I dare ya!
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or more...

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)Print it out and hang it over your work station...I dare ya! 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life more...

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:
If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
"Yes" and "No" ARE more...

In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.
After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.
COMEDY RULES
Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.
Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.
Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.
Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.
Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)
No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.
From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:
black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when more...

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.You have enough clothes.You have too many shoes.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes."Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. more...

Rules of Bedroom Football
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, although they all conform within basic requirements.
2. Premiership grounds are all of high quality with well developed East and West stands.
3. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
4. Remember it is always possible to score at both ends, but one end may always be preferable.
5. Bizarrely enough, shooting over the bar is sometimes preferred.
6. Take care not to be red carded in the tackle.
7. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
8. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible for the Sidcup Social league.
9. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
10. Handling balls is allowed.
11. Some protection should be worn.
12. Singing songs about other players is banned.
13. Extra time may occur even if more...