Rules Jokes / Recent Jokes

The seven stages of Usenet posting:
1. Innocence
HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT
THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP - HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. :-)
[dead chicken joke deleted]
This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Can't you read the rules? Gene
Spafford _clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:
rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping
Simple enough for you? It's not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby - capeesh?
This person is clearly scum - they're even hiding behind a pseudonym.
I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the
sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be
revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are
obviously in on it - I will urge that their feeds cut them off
post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#! T over the net.
4. Disgust
In message (102938363617@Wumpus), more...

Rules that guys wished girls knew...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. more...

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW: If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors. ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar. Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes." Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers. A headache that lasts for 17 days more...

Rules that guys wished girls knew... 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to seeif he can find the perfect present! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.11. Shopping is not a sport.12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.13. You have enough clothes.14. You have too many shoes.15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.16. Your more...

Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Support Department:
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public more...

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.5. The Female is never wrong.6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.8. The Female can change her mind at any time.9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.14. At all times, what is important is what the more...

Back in the old days - when slide rules were still the most sophisticated computing equipment available to scientists and engineers...
Engineering students are taking a math final. Of course, slide rules are not allowed. And, of course, someone is cheating and has brought a slide rule to the exam. He is hiding it under his desk, but the student sitting to his left - who is stuck on a difficult calculation - has noticed it.
"Hey", he whispers. "Can you help me? What's three times six?"
His classmate reaches for his slide rule, and after a few seconds replies: "Nineteen."
"Are you sure?"
The other student reaches again for his slide rule, and after another few seconds replies: "You're right. It's closer to eighteen - eighteen point three, to be precise."