Rules Jokes / Recent Jokes

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2. 362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together! Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x... Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x? Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree' n tree' n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99". Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree' n dirty tree' n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting more...

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They
may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will
appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts.
Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem
to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look
with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- Don't pee on the tree
- Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- Mind your tail when you are near the tree
- If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell
interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip more...

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

The female always make the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No male can possibly know all the rules. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The female may change her mind at any time. The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset. The male is expected to mind read at all times. The female is ready when she is ready. The male must be ready at all times.

The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is more...

Business Rules to Live ByIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off more...