Running Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of
serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him"What
the hell did you do to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? Today
morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and
the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not
find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out
and he was dressing himself.I grabbed the fridge and threw it at
him, That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell
happened to you?" He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a
while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my
alarm and was more...

One Saturday morning, Dave, who's an avid hunter, wakes up anxious to go bag the first deer of the season. As he enters the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, he finds his wife sitting there, dressed in camouflage.
"Laura, what are you up to?" he asks.
"I'm going hunting with you!" she replies.
Although Dave has many reservations about this, he reluctantly agrees to take her along. When they arrive at the hunting site, Dave sets her safely up in the tree stand and says, ""If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
He then walks away with a smile on his face, knowing that Laura couldn't bag an elephant, let alone a deer. But, not ten minutes pass when he's startled as he hears a barrage of gunshots.
He quickly begins running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears her screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, he races faster towards his screaming wife. more...

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan more...

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer more...

This Poor Innocent Guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30-minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the more...

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8. 50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8. 50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.