Russia Jokes / Recent Jokes

Russian President Vladimir Putin warns President Bush
that nobody escapes the "claw."

The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it moves from one mouth to another..."

Venture provides average Russian with rare opportunity to encounter vodka.

Mr Boris Yeltsin, the President of Russia, Mr Bill Clinton, the President of USA, and Mr Ernesto Zedillo, the President of Mexico were together in France in a restaurant.
The captain, honoured by such distinguished presence, approached them and asked politicly,' Le aperitif?'
All of them answered,' Oui.'
He then proceeded to ask their preferences individually. Starting with His Excellency Ernesto Zedillo, he queried,' Le tequila?'
'Oui,' answered His Excellency.
The captain looked at Mr Boris Yeltsin, and asked,' Le vodka?'
'Oui,' answered the President of Russia.
Finally, the captain approached the President of USA and asked, lLe whisky?'
'Don't mention that b....,' reacted Bill Clinton sharply.

Yesterday, Russia's Defense Minister criticized Israel's attacks on Muslim terrorists, calling them "a disproportionate use of force." He added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got Chechans to strangle."

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next more...

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1, 000, 000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1, 000, 000 condoms right away and more...