Sailor Jokes / Recent Jokes

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he?s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter. "My darling," he writes, "it looks like we?re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I?m starting to miss you and we?re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation?s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them." His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don?t you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can?t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let?s see how well you play that harmonica."

There's a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may more...

The attractive young lady was worried about her sailor boyfriend, away at sea, and complained to her doctor that she couldn't sleep at night. She requested some sleeping tablets, but the doctor suggested she try a psychological technique before resorting to drugs. "Since counting sheep and the other more usual methods have failed," he said, "try repeating this little ritual each night when you retire:' Toes go to sleep, feet go to sleep, ankles go to sleep, legs go to sleep, thighs go to sleep' and so on, all the way to the top of your head. Concentrate on each separate part of your body as you direct it to sleep, and before you know it, you'll be in dreamland."
The young lady was dubious, but that very night, after turning out the light and getting into bed, she tried the doctor's suggestion.
"Toes go to sleep," she began. "Feet go to sleep, ankles go to sleep, legs go to sleep, thighs go to sleep.. . . "
Suddenly the door to her more...

A Sailor In A Bar Leans Over To The Guy Next To Him And Says, "Wanna Hear A Marine Joke?"

The Guy Next To Him Replies, "Well, Before You Tell That Joke, You Should Know Something. I'm 6' Tall, 200 Lbs, And I'm A Marine. The Guy Sitting Next To Me Is 6'2" Tall, Weighs 225, And He's A Marine. The Fella Next To Him Is 6'5" Tall, Weighs 250, And He's Also A Marine. Now, You Still Wanna Tell That Joke?"

The Sailor Says, "Nah, I Don't Want To Have To Explain It Three Times."

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."

"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded' yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. more...

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"