Sailor Jokes / Recent Jokes

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No! " his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO! !!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Dont you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

There`s a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a
sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is
a quiet, conservative type, and this bird`s foul
mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird
by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more
than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you."
He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and
scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point,
the guy is so mad that he throws,
the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. more...

A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there.
Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: "Hey, bud, what are you looking for?"
"You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk.
The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!"
"What did you find?"
"The shore!" he exclaimed.

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two more...

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

A sailor was talking about the last time he was on leave...
"So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."