Sailor Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" "Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
A priest and a sailor are playing golf together, the sailor steps up to hit his ball, he takes a swing and misses and he says"FUCK I MISSED" the priest says to him "my son, if you swear god will punish you". The sailor takes another swing misses again and says "fuck, i missed" the priest replies "i told you my son if you curse god will punish you"
They eventually get to the green, the sailor putts the ball and barely misses the hole and again the sailor says "fuck I missed" and suddenly athuncer bolt shoots down and hits the priest and kills him and a powerful and deep voice says "AH FUCK I MISSED"
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.
A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.
The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C. P. O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the more...
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets more...
The Bathroom Military (off. to Marines / explicit language!)
A Sailor and a Marine are taking a leak in the head. The Sailor finishes and goes for the door. The Marine finishes and heads for the sink.
He calls out to the Sailor, "Hey! Aren t you going to wash you hand? In The Corps they taught us to wash up afterwards."
The Sailor replies, "Well, in the Navy they just told us not to piss on our hands." A Marine walks in to the head. A little boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, "Are you a REAL Marine?"
The Marine replies, "Why yes I am son... Say - you want to wear my hat?"
The boy replies, "Sure mister!", and put the hat on his head. As the Marine entered a stall the boy placed himself on "guard duty" by the door. Shortly, a Sailor entered the head.
The little boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, "Are you a REAL Sailor?"
The Sailor replied, "Why yes I more...
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can’t afford to buy a ticket to go home.
The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
“I’ll hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask. ”
She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he’ll bring her food and water and she’ll just have to stay hidden because she’ll be in big trouble if she’s caught.
So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.
Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells “STOWAWAY! ”
Scared she explains: “Dont be mad at me sir. One of more...
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."
"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"