Salad Jokes / Recent Jokes

...former porn queen jenna jameson is putting out her own brands of salad dressing...the first flavor will be Mustang Ranch.

The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up
& & 1. Anything that`s moving.
& & 2. Green Carrots.
& & 3. Moldy Croutons.
& & 4. Body parts.
& & 5. Blood in the French Dressing.
& & 6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
& & 7. I`ve seen the movie... they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
& & 8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
& & 9. How should I put this... let`s just that the sneeze guard didn`t do its job and there`s something phlegm related in the radishes.
& 10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.

Customer: Waiter! Waiter! Theres a fly in my soup! !!
Waiter: Don't worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it! !!

Duct tape won't fix that.
Wrasslin's fake.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Actually, unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, more...

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty more...

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"2. "Duct tape won't fix that."3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."5. "You can't feed that to the dog."6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."8. "Professional wresslin's fake."9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"10. "We're vegetarians."11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."19. "Trim more...

Dear Diary,
Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!
Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:

Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of more...