Salad Jokes / Recent Jokes
30. Oh I just couldn't; Hell, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. We don't keep firearms in this house.
24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23. You can't feed that to the dog.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
16. I thought Graceland was tacky.
15. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
14. Honey, we don't need another dog.
13. Would you like your fish poached or more...
SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE
It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.
(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)
In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:
DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.
CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess more...
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese:
"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"
"Yes, Thank you."
"Smoking or non?"
"Non smoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good."
"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"
"Uh, let me see... uh..."
"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."
"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.
We followed him there...
"Now, would you more...
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That''s bean salad sir.
I know what it''s been, but what is it now?
Got this one from an ex-Noo Yawkah who now lives in a suburb of Los Angeles! "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex." "Duct tape won't fix that." "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." "We don't keep firearms in this house." "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?" "You can't feed that to the dog." "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe." "Wrasslin's fake." "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy." "Who's Richard Petty?" "Give me the small bag of pork rinds." "Deer heads detract from the decor." "Spittin' is such a nasty habit." "Trim the fat off that steak." "The tires on that truck are too big." "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad." "I've got it all on a floppy disk." "Unsweetened tea tastes better." "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?" "My more...
Customer: Waiter, theres a button in my salad. Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.