Satan Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy dies and is sent to Hell where Satan meets him. Satan shows him the doors to three rooms and tells him that he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
Satan opens the door to the first room. In the room, the guy sees people standing in manure up to their necks. "No, not this one. Show me the next room," the guy says.
Satan takes him to the second room and opens the door. Inside the room are people standing in manure up to their noses. "Definitely not this one," says the guy.
Satan then takes him to the third room and opens the door. This time the guy sees people sitting at tables, with manure up to their knees, enjoying tea and cookies.
Thinking this was obviously the best choice of the three rooms, the guy tells Satan that this is the room he chooses. He enters the room and finds a seat at one of the tables as Satan closes the door.
Two seconds later, Satan opens the door and says, "OK, people, teatime's over. Back on your more...

This guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I`ll choose this room". Satan says O. K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O. K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.
Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, "Nope, I don't think I'd like that kind of punishment." So they go on to the next room.
There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, he's lowered again. "uh-uh!" says Clinton. "That's not for me."
Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from more...

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Bill Gates passes this mortal coil and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell.

Satan greets him:' Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

'You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.'

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the more...

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out. ”
“Very well, then, ” God said, “Let us see if Jesus did any better. ”
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it? ”
God chuckled, “Jesus saves”

So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell. Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces. The engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered as wanted a challenge) and before long it was up and running again. This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers. . . you name it. Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss` wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these more...