School Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God more...

"What shall we play today?" Cori asked her best friend Judy.
"Let's play 'school'!" said Judy.
"Okay," said Cori, "But I'm going to be absent."

Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The more...

class bell rings and the kids all go into class 5minutes later a boy walks in teacher says:why u late boy:iv been on top of blueberry hill sir teacher:detention after school 5minutes later another boy walks in teacher:why u late boy:iv been on top of blueberry hill sir teacher:detention for u 5 minutes later another boy walks in teacher:why u late boy:iv been on top of blueberry hill sir an then a girl walks in teacher:AND I SUPOSE URV BEEN ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL TO
girl:no sir i am BLUEBERRY HILL

Before I came to college I wish I had known...
that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it.
that I would change so much and barely realize it.
that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
that college kids throw airplanes, too.
that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up.
that every clock on campus shows a different time.
that if you were smart in high school - so what?
that I would go to a party the night before a final.
that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.
that you can know everything and fail a test.
that you can know nothing and ace a test.
that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.
that home is a great place to visit.
that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.
that friendship is more than getting drunk together.
that I would be one of those people more...

Once A Boy Got Admission In An English Medium School. He Couldn't Talk In English. On His First Day They Were Going On A
Picnic. He Got Up Late So He Got Ready Quickly And Went For School. He Took A Shortcut And The Shortcut Was A Lake. There Was A
Man With A Boat. He Asked The Man If He Could Help Him Cross The Lake. He Said That If You Give Rs 10 To Me I Will Help You
Cross The River. The Boy Had Only Rs 5 So He Decided To Swim Across. As He Was Crossing The Lake A Crb Bit Him On His Leg. He
Went To A Hospital Near The School And Went To His Picnic Place As It Was Near The School. The Teacher Asked Him What
Happned. He Said "Ek Kekde Ne Mera Paon Kaat Liya To Mera Pear Dard Kar Raha Hai". The Teacher Said You Are A Grown Up Boy You
Shopuld Talk In English, Tell This To Me In English. He Said" One Kekda Cut My Tangda And I Am Langda.

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face."That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen."Mom? How do you spell' zilla?'"