Scientist Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one. He would have to ask an engineer to do that.

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we more...

He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security more...

The renowned cosmogonist Professor Bignumska, lecturing on the future of the universe, had just stated that in about a billion years, according to her calculations, the earth would fall into the sun in a fiery death. In the back of the auditorium a tremulous voice piped up: " Excuse me, Professor, but h-h-how long did you say it would be?" Professor Bignumska calmly replied, "About a billion years." A sigh of relief was heard. "Whew! for a minute there, I thought you'd said million years."

How physicists do it... Physicists do it a quantum at a time. Physicists do it at the speed of light. Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes. Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results. Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both. Particle physicists do it energetically. Particle physicists to it with charm. Aerodynamicists do it in drag. Astrophysicists do it with a Big Bang. Astronomers do it all night. Astronomers do it in clusters. Astronomers do it on mountain tops. Astronomers do it with white dwarfs and red giants.

How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.