Score Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said. "No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? more...

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? more...

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog.

The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really can't be cheated on. .. either you know it or you don't. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.
How many Vienna Sausages are in a can? What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars? Bill Dance is good at what? What university does Bill Dance root for? Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football? After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what? In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8? A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language? What is a chigger? What is scrapple? Where is "The Redneck Riviera"? What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees? What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________. What's the common name for a bowfin? If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get? Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"? What are grits made out of? Who more...

Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting,"Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was "Score! Score! Score!"But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the chalupa!"