Score Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. What do Michael Jackson and the Yankees have in common??
A. They both need a twelve year old boy to score!

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing."See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

The Symphony Is Playing Beethoven's Ninth. During A Long Break, The Bass Players Decide To Slip Out To The Local Pub And Have A Few Drinks.

Suddenly One Realizes They Have Been Gone For A While And Says "We've Got To Get Back."

Another Says, "Relax, We've Got Plenty Of Time. I Tied A String Around The Conductor's Score And He'll Have A Time Getting It Squared Away."

As They Come Back Into The Concert Hall, A Patron In The Audience Notices The Confusion By The Conductor And Says, "Something Seems Wrong Up There."

Her Date Says, "What Do You Expect? It's The Bottom Of The Ninth, The Score Is Tied And The Bassists Are Loaded."

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.
"I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.
It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't more...

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring:
30A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little more...

Guyness QuizTake This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and more...

The
old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, "Seven Points," his wife
rolls over and says, "what in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another
one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says,"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get
beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat
is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's
got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."