Score Jokes / Recent Jokes

The revelation that golf carts do not have four-wheel drive came to me one morning as I tried to find my ball in the mud, which I found out later was actually not part of the golf course at all but rather the site of a pending condo project, half a block away. I must have missed the out-of-bounds marker when I was crossing the freeway. It was just one more lesson in the complex world of golf.

I remember the first time I played. My twosome was paired up with another twosome. After my tee-off on the first hole went somewhat awry, landing on the clubhouse roof, one of the other players asked if I had a handicap. I thought his joke in poor taste and threatened him with my 9-iron. Now, of course, I realize that having a handicap is a good thing, even if it is 52.

Learning the rules and language of golf is crucial. It separates the obvious beginning from someone just having another bad day. Therefore, I have from experience compiled a few lessons that may help other more...

This is a true incident that happened to my cousin, Steve.
Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend, LIVES
for golf. Normally plays very well. However, Steve tells of one game,
about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He
was playing pretty good until...
Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as
he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he
caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would
mind if he "played through" and got ahead of them. The older man, seeing that
Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve
thought that that would be all right, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve
Welker," and offered his hand.
The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John Evans and
this is my son," and he introduced the younger man with more...

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.A union negotiator broke the silence in the room."Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."
"Listen," St. Peter explains, "We got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie."
"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies."
"But we got Leonardo da Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.
"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.
"Now look at this script," St Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you."
"Well," said the director "a score by Beethoven, set design by da Vinci, a script by William Shakespeare... How can I go wrong? I'll do more...

(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
(8) There are fourteen more...

The Visit of St. Nokia
Twas the day after New Year's and all through the state
All the Noles fans were crying: The Gators felt great!
The Noles were all decked out in yellows and reds,
While visions of 12 and 0 danced in their heads.
Coach Bobby, equipped with his number one ranking
Expected to give number three a good spanking.
He figured to rule from the opening snap,
But his team took an unscheduled long winter's nap.
While from the far bench came a growl and a chomp,
The sign said "New Orleans", but this was The Swamp!
And what to our most grateful eyes should appear
But the Longhorns and Buckeyes in Orange and Blue gear.
From UF's first drive to the game clock's last tick,
Twas not just the flu-stricken Noles that were sick.
Their teammates and fans who had hoped to score plenty,
Had to settle, at length, for a score of just twenty.
Meanwhile, 'cross the gridiron, the Orange and the Blue
Set a Sugar more...

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he cried."No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date."Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom more...