Scot Jokes

There are three guys walking together along the Welsh/English border...a Welshman, a Scot, and an Englishman. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out,' I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes.'

To this, the Scot says' I am a sheep herder. My dad's a sheep herder, his dad was a sheep herder, and my son will be one too. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms'...' FOOM!' all the land in Scotland was full of an infinite supply of sheep farms.

The Englishman was amazed. He said' I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out'...' FOOM!!' there was a wall around England.

The Welshman says' Tell me more about this wall.'

The genie says' Well, its about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.'

After a moment of consideration, the Welshman says' Fill it with water.'

A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him. "Would you like some food?" she asked.
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked.
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She disappeared into the woods again and returned Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

An Irishman, And Englishman and a Scot are in a bar when a fly lands in each of their beers. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes the beer away and demands a new one. The Scot, picks the fly out and keeps drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly, sqeezes it, and shouts, "Spit it out you little bastard!"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. " Well, " said the American, " I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the more...

A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London and every night he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: `Is this your first visit?` `Aye, it is.` `You seem to be having a great time.` `Aye, I am that.` `Good.` `And what`s more, it`s not just a holiday. It`s my honeymoon as well.` `Oh. Then where`s your wife?` `Och. She`s been here before.`