Scot Jokes / Recent Jokes
One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumbers car in the front of the house.- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.
A Brit and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
up. "You know what," said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there,
ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman
said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did
nothing to me, so I got a free drink!"
The Brit like the ideal so much he
went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out
and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.
So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As
he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who
walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The
barman said, "We'll I'm not looking for trouble," the Scot replied, "Well it's
getting late, if you give me my change, I'll be heading home."
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to Earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay more...
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, Theres a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy. The Scot is not impressed and says, Thats nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five. At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says Thats nothing. In Dublin theres this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you. The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies No, but my sister told me about it.
A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London and every night he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: `Is this your first visit?` `Aye, it is.` `You seem to be having a great time.` `Aye, I am that.` `Good.` `And what`s more, it`s not just a holiday. It`s my honeymoon as well.` `Oh. Then where`s your wife?` `Och. She`s been here before.`
Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of "keeping up with the Joneses." If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.
And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps - almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.
Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and more...
One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.