Scotsman Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?"Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy"

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a pint o'bitter.
A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:
Second man: "Is that your dog outside?"
First man: "Aye. What of it?"
Second man: "Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im."
First man, stunned: "What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?"
Second man: "Well, e's a Chihuahua."
First man: "Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
Second man: "Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat."

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get more...

A Scotsman's last daughter got married and the old man was just thrilled to death - the confetti was getting dirty.

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues
in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues
and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at more...

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"